On The Prowl
by Two Hours' Traffic
Summary: Nessie has convinced her uncle to play hide-and-seek with her. What she doesn't know is that he's a huge spoilsport, and needs a few pointers.
1. A Lesson Learned

"OK, now count to ten!"

_One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten._

"Coming, ready or not!"

A giggle erupted from down the hall. Jasper made a few half-hearted attempts to locate its source, before bursting into Alice's room. The sound was emanating from the closet.

"I wonder where she could be..."

He ran into the closet, directed towards the skirts. Reaching in, he grabbed the set of shoulders which were shaking with laughter.

"Found you!"

He was met by a look of awe.

"You found me! How did you do that?"

There was no sarcasm in Nessie's tones. Jasper wasn't sure what response to give: that his niece was so loud that he could have located her from downstairs? Or that it was the same place that she'd hidden the last three times?

He was saved from answering by the slamming of the door, and a booming voice: "Guys, we're back!"

"Uncle Emmett! Uncle Emmett! Come up here!"

A moment later, Emmett was in Alice's room, swinging his niece in circles. Jasper watched in bemusement as his brother proceeded to carry Nessie over to the bed, sit down on it and tickle her until she shrieked with laughter.

"Leave me alone!" she squealed, enjoying the game. "Stop it!"

"Renesmee!" Bella, who had been passing by, entered the room. "What do you say if you want something?"

"Uncle Emmett, stop - _please_!"

"Alright. If you insist..." Emmett smiled fondly at the girl, who had collapsed in a fit of giggles on the bed. Bella grinned, and continued down the hallway.

"How are you today, sweetheart?"

"Fine. But, do you know what happened? Uncle J and I were playing Hide and Seek, and he found me super quickly! He counted to ten, and started looking, and I counted to ten, and he found me!"

Emmett looked at Jasper.

"Is this true?"

Jasper gave his brother an aggravated look. "I'm sorry! Where's the problem? She hides, I find her, game over."

Emmett sighed. His brother was a wonderful uncle to their niece, but he obviously had a lot to learn about the ways of Hide and Seek.

He turned to Nessie. "Nessie, sweetheart, I think Rosalie was looking for you. Can you go and see what she wanted? She's with Grandma in the yard."

She nodded and skipped out of the room.

"She's a happy kid, isn't she?"

"True, that. Gets it from her aunt, I wouldn't wonder."

They sat thoughtfully for a minute, before Emmett remembered what he was doing there.

"So, what's this I hear about you finding her in twenty seconds?"

"I really don't see where the problem is. Surely the kid wants to be found. Otherwise, why would she be hiding?"

"Jasper, Jasper, Jasper..."

Jasper rolled his eyes. His brother could be so infuriating when he wanted to.

"Yes?"

"When you play Hide and Seek with a kid, the point of the game is to _not_ be found. The point is to find the most incredible hiding place in the history of the universe, and stay there, hidden away, until you're found by the genius looking for you."

"Right..."

"So, she'll be back upstairs in a minute. Around the time that she finds out that Rose is busy and doesn't have time right now, and Edward is out."

"So, you mean I've got to -"

He broke off upon hearing the tiny footsteps pounding up the stairs. Nessie ran into the room, a confused look on her face.

"Uncle Emmett, I told Auntie Rose that you said to find her. And she didn't know what you were talking about, 'cos she was busy. And she said we'd play later. And she said to say to tell you to... um... 'take a long walk off a short pier'. She said that you'd know what that means." She ran over to sit next to her uncle on the bed.

"I do, honey. Thanks for passing on the message. Now, do you want to play Hide and Seek again? I think that you'll be able to find an amazing hiding place where even Uncle J can't find you!"

Nessie bounced up and down, nodding madly, the very image of her aunt.

"Uncle Emmett, are you going to look too? Can you count to twenty? I want to find a perfect place!"

"No problems. We'll cover our eyes right now."

They did so, and presently the footsteps were heard to go down the hall.

_... sixteen, seventeen, eighteen, nineteen..._

"Twenty! Ready or not, here we come!"

Emmett turned to his brother. "Now, follow my lead."

He walked into the corridor, looking puzzled. "I wonder where Nessie could be!"

A giggle burst from Edward's room. Jasper made to go in that direction, but Emmett stopped him.

"No!" he hissed. "We've got to keep on looking." He spoke louder: "I have no idea where she could be! You look in Rosalie's room, and I'll look in Mum's."

"Emmett, this is ridiculous. Why are we doing this?"

"Jasper, shut up and pretend to look."

For the next few minutes, mutters of "Where is she?" could be heard from all over the house.

"Is she in the kitchen?"

"No."

"Is she in the bathroom?"

"No."

"My goodness, she's found an incredible hiding place."

Meanwhile, the giggles were increasing in volume and frequency.

Emmett signalled to Jasper. "Go and look in Edward's room again. And find her this time. But pretend that you're about to give up."

Jasper rolled his eyes, but headed into Edward's room. "Where is she? I've looked absolutely everywhere. I have no idea where she could be. I think I've got to give up. Unless..."

He strolled over to the couch, and peered behind it. Two eyes looked back at him.

"Boo!"

His niece burst up, throwing her arms around his neck.

"Uncle Jasper, how did you find me? You're amazing. I found a good hiding place, didn't I?"

"You sure did, sweetheart. You sure did."

He stood still, with his eyes closed for a minute, while the little girl excitedly whispered in his ear: "I was really scared that you wouldn't be able to find me. I knew that it was such a good place to hide, but you found me anyway. You're so clever!"

Jasper grinned at his brother, who winked at him, as he left the room with Nessie, who called out to her mother.

"Mama! You'll never guess what happened! I was playing Hide and Seek with Uncle J, and it was such a hard hiding place that he almost didn't find me. But he did!"

"Wow, honey! That's great. He's very clever, your uncle, isn't he?"

Nessie nodded. Then she turned to her uncle.

"Can we play again?"


	2. HTBAKAU 101

Chapter 2: HTBAK-AU 101

Emmett kissed his niece goodnight and watched her leave the room with her father before turning to Jasper.

"I can't believe that you didn't know how to play Hide and Seek before I taught you!"

Jasper rolled his eyes. "Yes, I realise that. You've only been saying it for the past three hours."

"Yeah, I know. But, honestly, what sort of a childhood did you have? I used to play Hide and Seek with my sisters for hours."

Jasper started in shock as a feeling of melancholy swept over him. It was, however, quickly quenched by excitement.

"I know what I'm going to do!" Emmett announced.

Jasper looked at him, worriedly. He'd been a part of enough of his brother's 'cunning plans' to know when he should participate, and when he should get out when he had the chance. Emmett returned his glance, locking eyes meaningfully.

"Do I have to ask the question?"

"I'd prefer it if you did."

Jasper sighed. "What are you going to do, Emmett?"

"I'm going to educate you on the finer points of childcare. It'll be great. Give me ten minutes."

_Fifteen minutes later_

Jasper was lying on the bed in his bedroom, staring at the ceiling and wondering when he would have something meaningful to do. Rosalie was talking with Esme and Bella, Alice and Edward were playing chess, Carlisle was half-heartedly reading a newspaper.

A voice called up the stairs. "Oh, Jasper! Would you come down here please?"

Edward sounded furious. "Emmett Cullen! If Nessie gets out of bed, you'll sit with her until she's calm again. I barely managed to get her to lie down. She was so hyperactive..."

Jasper trudged down the stairs. "What do you want, Emmett?"

He stopped and stared. Emmett had somehow procured a whiteboard, complete with markers and an eraser. He was waiting with a page of notes, a book and an expectant smile.

Jasper tried not to smile as he read the writing on the board: **HOW TO BE A KICK-ASS UNCLE 101.**

"Hokay, let's get this started."

_Five minutes later_

"Emmett, do I really need to be _quizzed_?"

"Just humour me. I need to see what needs teaching."

Jasper sighed, and turned to the paper. It featured some wonderful questions, including gems like:

**HTBAK-AU101 Quiz**

Q1. When playing Tag, do you:  
a) use your vampire powers to tag the kid and run away, or  
b) tag her, and then run around slowly until she catches you, then run around slowly before finally tagging her again?

Q11. When playing hand-clapping games such as Tarzan Jungle Man, do you:  
a) count the letters in the word you choose so that the kid loses a hand, or  
b) count the letters so that you lose a hand?

Q29. When watching TV with a kid, do you:  
a) comment on how dumb the TV show is, or  
b) sing along with all the songs?

Q42. When playing I Spy, do you:  
a) pick something that is impossible to find, and laugh when the kid doesn't guess it, or  
b) pick something easy, and pretend you're having a tough time when they choose something for you to find?

BONUS: When you're playing Hide and Seek, how long should you leave between counting and finding the kid?  
a) 5 seconds  
b) 1 minute  
c) 5 minutes

"Emm, do you honestly think I'm a fool?"

"Just do the quiz."

A few minutes later, Jasper handed the hundred-question quiz back to Emmett, who looked over it with a critical eye.

"We obviously have a lot to learn. Let's start with a staple: Scissor Paper Rock."

"I know how to play Scissor Paper Rock."

"Alright. Then we'll Scissor Paper Rock to see which game we learn first. You win, you get to choose. I win, I get to choose."

"OK."

The two held out their fists.

"Scissor Paper Rock!"

Jasper held out two fingers - Scissor. Emmett was giving him a thumbs up. He looked discouraged.

"Damn it! You beat me!"

"Um... we're playing Scissor Paper Rock, aren't we? What's this, Scissor Paper Rock Encouragement? Encouragement beats all?"

"No," Emmett said plainly. "We're playing Scissor Paper Rock, trump version. This, my friend, is Dynamite. It beats everything – except Scissors. They cut the wick."

The 'duh' was implied.

"Right... any other trumps I should know about in this new-found game of Scissors Paper Rock Dynamite?"

"Well, if you're going to get technical, it would be called Scissors Paper Rock Dynamite Tree Well Spock Lizard Fire Water."

"What?"

"What? yourself. Have you never heard of this?"

"Sorry, but no."

"Dynamite beats everything except Scissors, Tree blocks well and can be planted over things, Lizard poisons things, Water stops Fire, Spock beats everything except Lizard and Paper, Fire -"

"I get it, I get it. Can we just play Scissor Paper Rock?"

"OK."

_Scissor, Paper, Rock._

Jasper won, his paper triumphing over Emmett's rock.

"OK, what are my options?"

"How about Chopsticks? Or Cat's Cradle? Or Thumb War? I've got a whole list of games here, so I thought we'd see how many we could cover tonight. We've got hours."

_oh no please no anything but this god no what have i done wrong this is ridiculous_

Jasper sent out frantic thought waves to Edward: _Edward, if you're listening, please come over and rescue me! I swear to God, I'll play whatever Nessie wants me to play tomorrow, just don't put me through hours of this!_

He heard a low chuckle from the other room, an excited "check mate!" from Alice, and Edward made his way to the temporary classroom.

"Jasper, can you come help me with Ness, please? She's still awake, I think she needs a bit of... calming."

"No problems." Jasper turned to his brother. "Sorry about this, Emm. We'll continue our little master class later."


	3. Epilogue

A constant frenzy of giggling was emanating from Edward's room, and the Cullens smiled when they heard it. They were all relieved to know that the newest addition to their family was as happy as she appeared to be.

"What's happened to that girl?" Rosalie asked as she listened to the screams of joy floating down the stairs.

"I think that Emmett's boot-camp paid off," Bella grinned. "Jasper's barely been allowed out of Renesmee's sight for days now. When she wakes up, we barely get a 'good morning'. It's always, 'Where's Uncle J? I want to play with Uncle J!' The poor thing."

_- meanwhile -_

"Nessie, sweetheart. Maybe Jasper wants some time by himself right now. Or to spend with Aunty Alice."

"No! He's _my_ Uncle J! And he wants to play with me!"

Edward winced at Jasper, who was sitting in Edward's old room, surrounded by the plethora of toys that had been bestowed upon Nessie by her indulgent aunts and grandmother.

Jasper grinned. "Nessie, honey, I love playing with you a lot, but right now I'd really like to go and spend some time with Alice. Can I come back and spend some time with you and her in an hour? I'm sure that you could help her do makeup. And she could make your hair look even more beautiful than it does now."

"But what about playing with Barbie? And Shelley? And... Kelly! And you said we'd read. And you said you'd watch Barbie as Rapunzel with me!"

"I know I did, honey. And we will. Why don't you ask Emmett to watch Barbie with you? I'm sure he'd love to."

"You promise we'll _play_ Barbie later? And I can do makeup with Aunty Alice?"

"Promise."

"OK." She grabbed her DVD, and dashed out of the room. "Uncle Emmett! Uncle Emmett! Want to watch Barbie with me?"

Edward knew that, whether he wanted to or not, Emmett would watch the DVD. Although the family wouldn't have admitted it, the little girl had them all wrapped around her finger.


End file.
